Atomic circle jerk

"U.S. to shoot down damaged spy satellite" is the caption attached to this picture. The headline of the article, which is cycling through Yahoo's Features section on the front page reads, "Navy missile smashes dying spy satellite". The article is tingling my paranoid conspiracy theorist senses. I didn't even know I possessed conspiracy theorist senses let alone paranoid ones. Really, though, now that they've awakened, they're going haywire. The other articles in rotation serve to dampen the gravity of the story. Kobe vs. Shaq: Who won?, Spielberg's diss turns into Chinese outcry, and $1 billion house for richest man in India. Do I even wanna know how many diamond encrusted bidets there are in a 1 billion dollar home? A lot I bet. But probably not as many as Oprah has.

There's also a link attached as a footer to the story: "Find how spy satellites work". What?

I'm imagining the Tom, Dick, and Harry's of the FBI phoning TV execs and media bigwigs to lighten the skew of the story. I figure that with tonight's lunar eclipse, necks around the Northern Hemisphere are going to be craning skyward and that's a bit worrisome to them. They probably didn't want to obligate themselves to fielding questions from the media after some random caught a glimpse of the debris burning through the atmosphere. So instead, they're going to the source and spinning the story themselves so we can all swoon and guffaw, "Oh! Big Brother, You're so strong! Oh! Big Brother, you're so big! Big Brother, you're our hero!"

But let's assume momentarily that this is all true and that in March twenty-five hundred pounds of debris would have gloriously come hurtling through the atmosphere completely intact like they're saying. Oh, by the way, aside from a satellite the size of a school bus, there was a smaller, toxic fuel tank they weren't sure they could hit. The attempt alone cost estimates of up to $60 million and the fuel tank would have survived reentry. I'm still unsure of whether or not they hit the fuel tank. They're unsure, too, so at least we're on the same page, right?

As I skim CNN.com, there's speculation that the United States military is just flexing its muscle because China destroyed one of its aging weather satellites last year. I say we just get all the world superpowers (Oh, wait. By our definition there's only one) to flex their muscles together for one big, mind blowing atomic circle jerk.

First to cum gets to give the losers a massive atomic facial.